Hey, at the moment I'm thinking about what to do in the future. My problem is that I have absolutely nothing I enjoy doing. When I was 17 I dropped out of school since it seemed pointless. My grades were very good, but I didn't really care if I got a good or bad grade, didn't matter how much effort I put into it. Finishing school, so I could get into university and get a certificate and knowledge about something I dont care about, was not an option for me. Working a 9-5 job I dont enjoy is also no option. Friends and relatives told me to pick up hobbies and some skills. I tried a couple of things. For hobbies I started with muay thai and playing the ukulele, I can play the ukulele quite decent now, but I dont enjoy it, same for muay thai. I learned HTML, CSS and Python since a friend told me programming is fun. I continued learning for almost 1 year, but well you can guess. I don't feel unsatisfied with my life, but I know I can't continue this way. I haven't felt happy or sad in a very long time (talking about 10 years) not that I have any problem with that, but I seem to hurt people who are very close to me. I just don't care and understand why somebody is interested about the life of someone else. I feel like I used all my friendships to gain something and was not interested in the person after there was no gain. I honestly don't feel any remorse about anything I ever did. The only person in my life which I kind of care about is my grandpa, the only person in my family who ever took care of me. A couple of days ago I had a conversation with him and he told me that he thinks that I suck most people of their life energy, I use them and then throw them away. I am interested in sociology and psychology, but not in a sense that I want to work in this field. I only am interested in this stuff because it makes it easier to talk with people and know why people do this etc.. I used to be homless at 15, so I considered being homeless, but at a certain age it would be annoying. I tried a couple of psychedelics, I felt alive while I was on them, but taking a drug to feel something, no thanks. Btw when I was homeless I felt alive again too, was an amazing feeling. Last year I was backpacking around the world and appreached that I was alive and was able to see the world. I worked in bookstores, bakeries did a couple of extremly bad paid Webdesign projects and had an internship as a carpenter ( I dropped out). I know i said about ten years ago I stopped feeling myself or others, nothing special happened at that time. I also must admit I dont really like the "work" mentality.
If I could I wouldn't change a thing in my life right now, but well we somehow got to earn money to live somewhat comfortably. I actually don't know what I want to achieve with this post, but I would appreciate any kind of input.
Submitted February 21, 2018 at 12:58PM by ResponsibleReport http://ift.tt/2onN5dD
