My comments about the Four Tendencies were getting a lot of interest on the jobs thread so I thought people might enjoy a broader discussion on it in the context of the simple life.
It comes from the book The Four Tendencies, and the quiz is here: https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/
Outer Expectations
(Readily meets outer expectations: Upholder, Obliger)
A lack of boundaries
If you are constantly putting outer expectations ahead of inner expectations, you are struggling with boundaries. For example, you say you can't work overtime because you need time to exercise - but when a project is running behind, you're the one sticking around late to finish it. If this sounds like you, it's time to re-focus on your inner expectations, and think critically about outer expectations until you understand which ones are actually crucial.
Obligers in particular can create outer expectations where none truly existed. They take passing remarks or offhand comments and turn them into expectations. For example: the boss tells you how helpful it was that you stayed late to get that project done, and now you believe it's an expectation to keep doing that.
Buying into what 'they' say
"They" say you should be so far up the career ladder by now, or have a certain salary by now. You don't actually care about those things, but you feel yourself pulled by those outer expectations. Or the flip side: "They" say living the simple life means owning no possessions, living off the land, being content to whittle wood all day. Is that actually true for you? Let go of outer expectations that do not serve you.
How to make it work for you
Use your tendency to your advantage by building in systems of outer accountability that serve you. Tell your accountabilibuddy that you need to stop working overtime so that you have time to exercise, and tell them to call you out whenever they see you agreeing to overtime. It turns your inner expectation into an outer expectation. You don't want to disappoint your accountabilibuddy do you? While you're at it, get a gym buddy too to hold you accountable to actually using the time to exercise.
You may love having more Questioners and Rebels in your life because of how freely they flaunt outer expectations. Just be warned that they can make terrible accountabilibuddies because they do not understand the need for outer accountability.
Inner Expectations
(Readily meets inner expectations: Upholder, Questioner)
The need for justification
You hate when things are arbitrary. For example: the boss thinks overtime will be required to get the project done by Tuesday, but you think it would be fine if the project was delayed until Friday. Tuesday was an arbitrary deadline, and it bothers you to miss you gym class to meet it. You also hate when direction is unclear.
Questioners in particular can be stressed out and stress others out when living or working in a vague and arbitrary environment, because they have to keep asking "why?". Their need to meet inner expectations means the outer world must make sense to them internally. They can't do things because the boss said so, or because the company has always done things that way.
Buying into your purpose-myth
You think you ought to have a certain salary or career growth by this age. You think you should live a particular way. You think your life needs to have deep purpose. You think your work should bring you passion and meaning. Is that really what you need to enjoy life? Let go of inner expectations that do not serve you.
How to make it work for you
Since you're already great at meeting inner expectations, turn outer expectations into inner expectations. For example: Tuesday may be an arbitrary deadline, but working the overtime to get it done Tuesday means you can take it easy the rest of the week and finally make it to that yoga class you've been wanting to try.
Questioners drive others nuts with their questions because it sounds like defensiveness and obstinacy. Turn your tendency on yourself, and ask yourself how an outer expectation could help you meet an inner expectation. It will often come down to very small actions and choices: this job gives you a paycheque, and that paycheque is paying for you to enjoy your hobby. It's about focusing on how you are meeting your inner expectations, instead of focusing on the frustration of outer expectations.
The Rebel
(Rejects outer and inner expectations)
It's exhausting being a rebel sometimes. "You can't tell me what to do, and I can't either". I'll jump right into how to make it work for you.
The illusion of choice
I do best in a work environment where I am given goals and deadlines, but not told explicitly what to do or how to do it. I like to choose which particular task I am working on at any given moment, and I like being able to put my own spin on how I do it. When trying to get myself to exercise, I don't declare to myself or anyone else that I am on a workout plan - instead I come up with a variety of possible exercises I could do and allow myself to choose what exercising will mean for me that day.
The trick for anyone trying to get you to do something is to use What needs to be done + the consequences of not doing it. For example - Boss says: "Give me the proposal by Tuesday" and you don't want to do it. Boss says: "I need the proposal by Tuesday's budget meeting or else your idea won't get funded." Ok, I can choose to do that.
The right amount of structure
Rebels chafe under authority because they can't stand bosses telling them what to do. However, since they can't tell themselves what to do either, they can be completely lost without any authority or structure. Don't hate on the existence of authority and structure - focus instead on finding your own subtle ways of defying it. Defy the company policy through loopholes. Personalize templates. Find joy in making outlandish suggestions in team meetings. Where a higher authority doesn't exist (in the home, in self-employment etc), you'll do best with an Obliger partner. They pick up the tasks that you can't tell yourself to do.
Make your identity work for you
Rebels are not expectation-driven but rather identity-driven. A rebel doesn't go for a run because they told their friend they'd run a marathon with them, or because they believe in the health benefits. They go for a run because they like identifying as a runner. I help colleagues with Excel, not because they need the help, not because it makes it my work look better, but because I like identifying as an Excel expert.
What identities do you hold onto? Like expectations, let go of the ones that do not serve you. When you know which identities really hold true for you and the life you want to lead, you can think of expectations as identity-enhancers.
The Simple Life
There isn't one perfect job or one exact way to live your life. You can find simplicity anywhere, if you know how to re-frame expectations and work to your strengths.
I'd love to hear everyone's take on these ideas.
Submitted September 27, 2020 at 02:54PM by caybaybay https://ift.tt/3mZY7TB
