We come from a small farming community in the Midwest. My grandfather, bless his soul, was a fairly successful farmer in his day, and eventually owned several pieces of land throughout our state. My mother, (now 69 years old) is his only child. Before he passed, he smartly set up a few trusts to handle the estate and money once he was gone. The total value of the 2 remaining farm properties is somewhere between 4-5 million. When my mom passes, one property is to be sold and the money split, and the 2nd one (the original farmstead, on prime land) is up to us to decide what to do with. We're leaning towards keeping it and getting the income.
Me, (now in my mid 40s) I've been married for over 20 years and have held employment for practically my entire adult life. Wife is gainfully employed, and we have 2 kids, 13 and 11. My sister (mid 30s) has been married about 6 or 7 years, and has 5 kids, all under 5 (Twins, Twins, Single). Her husband has struggled to find long-term employment, has frequent credit issues, maxed out credit cards, etc. My sister is a Stay at home mom, while her husband has recently joined a start-up of sorts, but they're struggling to find more than one client. They have a 2nd mortgage on their home to help pay for business loans, and he generally thinks his a lot smarter in the financial world than he truly is.
My mom and sister live 5 minutes from each other. I live in a neighboring state, about 3 hours away. My sister and her husband have always encouraged her to "splurge" on things. When she needed a new car, instead of a Toyota like she wanted, they (mostly he) encouraged her to get a Lexus. When their family van died, she wanted to help them, but they wanted a Mercedes van, because it's the biggest/safest/etc. Mom always pays for dinner, helped them pay for their nanny when husband was out of work, etc. You get the picture.
For what it's worth, my family has received financial gifts from my mother as well. Help with a down payment for a car, a new water heater, etc. Most times, she offers before we have to ask. But she does this out of obligation to "make things even" between the two kids.
While I don't have a problem spending some of this money, a latest wrinkle has me concerned. My mom's health is beginning to fail. She recently had a minor stroke, and my sister is increasingly concerned about her ability to live on her own. While I certainly don't see my mom's every day actions, I feel my sister is making this a bigger deal than it actually is, and may be gaslighting my mom making her think she's worse than she really is. My sister has OCD and control issues and always has had to do things "her way."
My mother values her independence. She does NOT want to live in Assisted Living or a Retirement Community. My sister's latest suggestion, is that since mom is not able to care fore herself, that mom should move in with her, her husband and 5 kids. (Sister has previous work experience as a CNA). While mom isn't sure about this move, I pointed out to her with her mobility issues, she'd have to stay on the main floor of a home, and neither of their existing homes could accommodate both my mom and my sister's family.
So my sister's suggestion is that they sell both homes and all move in together in a new home. "Oh, and here are some links to some properties you might like!" These are links to $1M homes. $800K homes. Twice the size and value of either of the two homes they currently own. "Well, we've got to have room for everybody!"
My opinion is that she's just using her "kindness" as an excuse to move into a giant home they'd never be able to afford. And then when my mom passes away (hopefully in many years) then they'll just stay in this $1M home.
My mom is fully aware of how this appears. She's no fool. She's helped my sister and her family through some very hard times while her husband was un- and under-employed. But this just feels shady to me. It's obvious what they're trying to do, and no matter how assertive my mom is, they just keep finding ways to spend her money for her.
I THINK... the best option is to talk with the trust officer, who ultimately decides if/when any money is disbursed. Let HIM be the "bad guy." But is there anything we should do to prevent this from turning into a giant mess?
Submitted January 14, 2019 at 04:55PM by bestboye http://bit.ly/2TJQJMS
