Thank you guys for the advices and support. I am glad I found this sub, it fits what I been wanting for so long that I feel most people don't seem to understand.
Anyways...
So today, monday, I decided I'm going to give my notice. To stay up to 2 maybe 3 weeks if needed. Let them call me in or ask questions if needed after for a bit since I'll understand I'm needed to close somethings up.
But she called us to a "meeting" It was more like a scolding sessions, she herself said it wasn't really a meeting.
She took turns on each group and person, scolding them for whatever was pissed about. Most people were just quiet, taking it as usual.
Eventually my turn.
her: zPh0eniz....what is your job?
me: ....
her: WHAT....IS...YOUR...JOB?
I knew what was coming. If I said the correct, she be like thats right then WHY ARE YOU THIS or THAT etc. It would be a long lecture of yelling and pointing out everything wrong I did. Nice and loud. I didn't want to hear it. I was getting pissed, just....holding it, trying not to explode.
me: I was going to tell you later in private...but I quit. So this isn't necessary.
her: ....ok fine. I don't need you. Leave.
As I was walking to my room to gather me stuff, I can hear her rant. Saying he just stressed me out, good thing he is leaving. I don't need him anyways, will just find someone else. Then proceeded to tell coworkers to take up some duties I did.
As I was leaving, she said..."where you going"
her: You have to finish up.
me: ?? What. You just said to leave
her: ...what, YOU ARENT SU....
She got cut off by a coworker trying to lessen to situation saying I just misunderstood. She meant to just leave the "meeting"
me: Oh...okay.
I went into my work room and just....I want to just leave. The thought of staying another 2-3 weeks now was.....felt like a nightmare. Felt like I was going to go crazy. Like I wanted to rip my hair and shirt. Throw things and cause chaos. Yet just...leaving didnt feel right...maybe it did. I don't know. What did I even owe her anyways. I don't need the references. But its super disrespectful. Just...I was so unsure how to handle this.
She then called me over to her room after meeting done.
her: Okay...so you quit. Fine. But you are supposed to stay until we hire and train someone else to replace you. This is how it is done. It isn't right to just leave. That's just not right. You have to tell everyone where everything is and such.
I was...a bit baffled and pissed. She couldve just....asked me. Just been like hey...fine, okay. But could you stay for like a few weeks until we get someone else as its tough to have you suddenly leave.
I wouldve been like okay...fair, and discussed it further.
But no...felt like she was saying I had some duty to do so. Like I'd be a horrible person not to.
me: No need to lecture me on it, I get it.
So I left it at that, I just didn't want to hear it. I needed time to think and regain my composure.
A few coworkers gave there opinions, most just no opinion. Just made light of it
Not surprising, the usual advices. have a job lined up. Don't burn bridges.
I've thought about it a lot. Going to tell her I'll be leaving end of the week and can call me a bit after for a while to finish things up or for answering some questions. I personally can't give more than a week.
Thoguhts of doing just more than one week...it feels sickening.
Ive dealt with depression my whole life. I know the feeling and symptoms. I haven't been eating. Everythings been getting dull. I'm getting really skinny and lethargic. I feel....sick at times. Like this nauteous feeling. Like a feeling...I'm going to just...go crazy one day. Just disappear.
So I know financially and for future, burning bridges is no good. You lose references and who knows who can be connected. But I can't focus...nothing is interesting. Just...mental health is priority. I need to reevaluate my life and I need time. I'm going to maybe spend months just...wander. Letting myself do whatever.
It might be a mistake in the end. Maybe I may hope later I didn't quit so soon, gave notice, or lined a job up...but I want that to be a mistake I make. I want it to be my mistake.
I'm tired of...giving in. Tired of hearing what I ought to do. What I will regret. What not to do. Things I will regret. Things that will happen if I do this or that.
This is how I ended up not fucking learning things in the first place. I got to stand up for myself. MAke the choices. Accept whatever consciounses...howver you spell this.
I'm tired of always trying to take everyones opinions. Question myself, maybe I'm wrong when it feels they don't even put much respect or emphases on my thoughts and wants.
In the end, I'm holding myself back. I will have just do and apologize later if needed.
I hope to find a different lifestyle better suited for me. At the moment, I want a part time eventually. Get a doggo. I want to love someone and doggys are the bestest. I want to keep things changed up. I don't want to be so reliant on someone financially or emotionally and get stuck in some job or situation again.
I want to be able to say fuck this and leave if needed. I want to have some freaking self respect and confidence to follow what I feel is right.
I don't want to spend my life in constant worry of the future. I know it's good to have some plan, I get that, but I've been stunned by it way too long. It's better I just make the damn mistake than wondering what if.
I've gotten older quick, so I don't want to live like this anymore.
It's tough...a struggle, but I'll be working at this one step at a time.
For now..I will finalize this quitting and work on myself for awhile.
and lessen my negative surroundings.
Feels good to just share.
Thanks :)!
Submitted May 08, 2018 at 01:06AM by zph0eniz https://ift.tt/2jDJp5c
