I have awful depression and get terrible guilt that makes me cry and get super upset every time I either spend money on something I don't need, or even think about doing so.
Pretty much the only thing I buy is food, rent and stuff like washing up liquid and toothpaste. I haven't bought any new clothes in maybe 10+ years. I've never owned a modern phone or any of the new fancy technology things - last one I owned is a 2002 model and it doesn't work anymore. Recently I got a new headset because my old one literally didn't work anymore in either ear - for the past 18 months it's only had one ear without a mic, and even when the whole thing died it took me 2 months to overcome the guilt to get a new one for $8 (the cheapest I could find anywhere), and that was even with my roomie encouraging me.
I feel so sad and guilty treating myself. I've tried suicide quite a few times and always think stuff like "if you're dead then your little brother could use this money".
Depression bites, really hard. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I'm not really interested in sympathy or advice for overall depression/suicidalness, have heard it all before a million times, none of it helps. Just hoping for some sort of practical advice or ideas I might be able to try to actually get things a little better in this direction.
I'm managing in my life but things take up quite a bit more time than they need to, like for example I'll hand draw maps of all the places I'm going because I don't have any way of checking out directions, will walk/run 10 miles to the next town and back instead of getting a bus, that sort of thing. I don't have any means of making money so the logical argument of "you can use the time saved to make more money than it would cost" doesn't really work. And even if I did, I'd just save the money and not use it anyway.
Sorry for rambling, half-asleep and crying typing this, not really thinking straight right now. Please no abject sympathy like I asked, just looking for some practical steps for my situation to try to help with this. The sympathy just makes me feel worse.
Submitted September 03, 2017 at 12:50AM by throwaway339338 http://ift.tt/2gtGfz5
