I'm not sure where to turn for advice and could really use some outside perspective. This is a throwaway, but I will try to include as much info as I can that is relevant to my situation.
So my dad, in his mid 70's, disclosed relatively recently that he's fallen on financial hardship recently. Apparently it all started with taxes he owed from a company he started and sold during the dot com boom of the early 2000's. I honestly don't know the whole story there, but the way he described it made it sound like he attempted to accurately value stock in the company when filing taxes and that the IRS disagreed. Apparently these costs wiped out what savings he has.
I learned that he'd been having problems for almost a year before he told me and that my brother was helping him throughout that time. My mother's side of the family is very well off, but my parents have been divorced for years. I think he turned to his kids because he knows the other side of the family is wealthy. I have 2 siblings and we each have a substantial savings for our ages.
As I've talked to him more and learned more about his situation, I've become fairly convinced that he has not made wise decisions with his money. Much earlier in his life he had lots of money to burn but never set up an IRA or any kind of retirement savings that I am aware of. Furthermore, he travels very often and until recently was in a relationship where he was paying for most everything they did together. When I asked why he never created an IRA or saved up money for retirement, he said that you don't get an IRA when freelancing. As a freelancer myself, I know that that's my responsibility and an important one.
By far his rent is the most expensive thing he has to pay for. I advised him to move out ASAP but he said he couldn't break his lease. I didn't understand why because even paying an early termination fee is far better than paying for 9 months of overpriced rent. He has also mentioned that it will be expensive to move and that he's got to find a place to live first. That all makes sense, but when talking about finding a place to live, he has all kinds of criteria that honestly he can't afford to think about. He said that in order to live in a two bedroom apartment (he has said he needs a two bedroom place so he can have an office which I also disagree with) he would have to pay at least $2k. I told him I live in an expensive city in a cool part of town and only pay $1.5k. He said, "ok, $1.5k but still it's going to be expensive."
The bottom line is, I feel that he landed in this situation because he is not very intelligent with his money and has been living beyond his means for far too long. I have tried to tell him as much but he has been pretty defensive about it. I know he feels really embarrassed about having to ask his kids for help, and I understand and empathize with that. However, I'm having a hard time wanting to help. Not because I don't love him, but because I think throwing money at the problem will not really help. Until he is able to accept that he's going to have to take a big hit to his quality of life and not be picky about it, I don't see how he's going to make any extra money last. When he has been making money, it has been very good pay and yet it has not been enough to leave him with savings for retirement. He also never bought a house, even when business was booming and has been paying exorbitant rent for years. I asked him recently if he has made an effort to track his expenses and he said he has been. I realized I didn't ask him how much exactly he's spending on things like groceries, eating out, etc. I know that he won't respond well to these questions but I think they are important to ask. I don't believe I'll be able to convince him that he's spending too much, even if he clearly is, but at least I would have exact figures to work with. My mother has mentioned that he has always had this problem and that it is not a new thing.
My brother has already helped him out with quite a bit of money and so far I gave him some money once when he initially asked. I'm feeling really unsure how to handle the situation. He is now on the verge of not being able to pay rent. I have plenty of money, but I am young and I don't to what extent I will need to help him and how that will affect my financial life in the longrun. I love my dad and it is really hard to see him struggling and not want to help. On the other hand I feel like giving him money when he's still hanging onto a lifestyle above his income is just enabling an unhealthy behavior. My siblings agree to some extent but they both have kids and seem really absorbed in their own lives without a lot of energy to devote to finding a real solution.
In our last conversation he mentioned something about receiving $3k from social security. If he is receiving this every month, then it seems like he should be able to find a way to live off of that. It's more than enough for most people. I find myself struggling to know what to do. I want to help but I don't think money alone will solve his problem. I think at the very least I need to have boundaries around how much money I will give him and under what conditions. The mixture of guilt and frustration is really getting to me. I'm really struggling to know what to do and how to set proper boundaries. I've communicated some of this to my dad, but he always has some refutation to explain things away and at a certain point it seems like it will just lead to an unproductive argument.
Anyways, I'm open to ideas and advice. Thanks for reading.
Submitted January 26, 2019 at 08:46PM by PBSISTVSHOWCHANNEL http://bit.ly/2FZKkJE
