My wife and have been very intentional in designing a life that fits us, and have either avoided or culled complications that many people just accept. We likely require much more quiet and down-time than most people, but we work hard to give ourselves that. The situation we have been struggling with is that a sweet neighbor girl with significant disadvantages has been demanding more time and attention than we can give. We want to reclaim our lives, but would like to help this young woman too.
If this is not a great sub for this question, please let me know. It is just where I spend most of my reddit time, and I'm always impressed by posters' thoughtfulness and insights.
So, the neighbor girl is 13, and lives next door with her father and grandmother. Her mother lives about four miles away, and has had substance abuse problems. She sees her mother, but mom does close to nothing with her (so far as we can tell). Dad protects and provides for her in basic ways, we think, but seems more interested in video games and his girlfriend than in helping his daughter grow. Grandma has been a good neighbor in many ways, but we think she would much prefer life on her own, and does not seem to engage her granddaughter much either.
The neighbor girl, in some sense, wants things that are so reasonable and basic, that we have trouble saying "no". She is thrilled to go for a walk with us, and the only thing she ever asks for (aside from time and attention) is strawberries and raspberries. We grow fruit and are happy to share.
On a walk one night with my wife and me, she said that she was sad that she couldn't go to Perkins. I asked her why she wanted to go to Perkins, and she said that she just really wanted pancakes. I asked her whether there was something special about Perkins pancakes, or whether she just wanted pancakes. She responded that she just wanted pancakes. So I made her pancakes when we got home.
When her grandmother found out about the pancakes, she yelled at the granddaughter for impositioning us. You can tell it really shook our neighbor girl up, and I think there is a lot of yelling that goes on. I heard it yesterday again.
On one hand, her expectations are so minimal. On the other, she now comes over everyday, usually for hours. My wife cannot have her down-time in the garden, and we rarely are able to go for a walk on our own. The neighbor girl has started to fantasize about living with us, according to my wife. I told her to tell her little friend to be careful for what she wished for, as my requirements would be no phone, no car, no boys, six hours of hard manual labor a day, and six hours of real intellectual work. We don't have children (probably thankfully for us and the kids), but to me the above is the recipe to be a well-rounded human.
The kid has few interests, and little curiosity. I cannot say that it is her fault, because I think she has spent all of her energy navigating life and surviving-- she had to call emergency services when she was six because her mom was under the influence of something and she thought her mom's life was in danger.
So, r/simpleliving, what do we do? Normally, I would love the direct route of talking to her dad and grandmother. But we have evidence: (1) that they are encouraging this situation so they have less responsibility; (2) they will punish our neighbor girl if we raise the issue; and (3) they will hold it against us if we even diplomatically try to alter the situation. We could also talk directly to the neighbor girl about us needing more time on our own, but we don't want to hurt her, especially when it seems like she needs attention and affirmation more than anything.
We have contemplated buying her swimming lessons or horseback riding lessons (but I think transport would be our obligation, and thus not solve our problems), or even sending her to a camp. My wife is more affected by this than me, but I suggested that we just manage our reactions the best we can, go on more walks, help her cultivate some interests, and maybe the problem will resolve itself. My wife wants peace now, as she bears 95% of the burden. I get that.
So what do you all think?
Submitted July 10, 2017 at 07:02PM by farmdog626 http://ift.tt/2ubBnrL
