How can you be financially stable when you're crumbling down? When you have no external start-up help? I'm sure every human being has experienced shitty financial and personal times... and I could really do with some inspiration now. I'm not sure I can post this here as it is a bit too emotional, apologies in advance.
I (31F) feel so overwhelmed and tired. I have been off work for a week and I genuinely thought I'd be better by now.
Background: I was treated for depression before (2.5 years ago, for just under 2 years - Fluoxetine 20mg daily). At the time I had put loads of weight on, endless job, bland marriage (plenty of love but no lust), etc so decided to finally seek help despite everyone around me telling me no to go on meds. I felt so much better by the end of the treatment I left the dead end job, left my husband, lost weight, and hope was back. I met this amazing guy and we have an absolute blast, moved in together, fun fun fun.
Now: The job I'm now was meant to be a stepping stone. But after giving my best (and being praised a lot), I never managed to progress and the job itself is so abhorrent... it's killing me inside. It pays well so the guilt of leaving is crushing me. Specially after my mother had cancer and I had no money to go and visit her/ be with her when it all happened (we live in different continents). Thanks to this shitty job, I managed to visit her a year after everything happened. Add to that, my boyfriend and I went through a lot of things that affected my trust and confidence to a point that it has changed me as a person. I used to be bubbly, trusting and now I wanna control his every move (this is not who I am!!! WTF is happening?) He's the sweetest and tries so hard... fuck. Also, I'm a EU citizen in the UK and the political climate is just difficult right now. I don't know if I'll be able to remain here after 11 years of paying taxes, pension, etc.
I am putting weight on again. I have NO energy to come home and look for jobs, or to exercise or anything else tbh. The most excited I felt for months was when I thought I'd be able to do this CodeClan academy where you can learn how to code and almost certainly get a job afterwards due to their partnership with tech companies. Turns out I'm not eligible for any funding, loan, etc. And I'd need £6000 (£4500 for course + living expenses as you study non stop for almost 20 weeks).
I have no money (just finished my last debt payment, so I'm now debt free after YEARS | mom is self employed and can't help - and I would never tell her about all this because I know she'd worry too much, and I could never take her money as she works hard for it and really could no afford to help me | dad doesn't care about me and we really don't speak much, I gave up).
I come from a poor country but worked really hard to learn a new language, moved to the UK when I was 20 and gave my best for 10 years but I have not amounted to anything.
I noticed I have not been myself for months but I'm certain I hit rock bottom now. A week ago I caught myself crying on the bus, on my way to work. Then during my 15min breaks. Then I left and when to the GP. I cried non-stop during the appointment and the doctor told me to take 2 weeks off work. I thought I'd be better by now (and I did feel a bit more hopeful for 3 or so days) but I woke up crying yesterday and today. I don't even feel like doing anything or seeing anyone.
I used to be SO STRONG, intelligent, go-getter, and such a good person... but I'm honestly just tired of living. I feel so guilty and ashamed for feeling this way. Little entitled white girl whining, right? Fuck. I hide how I feel most of the time so anyone who knows me has no clue and my boyfriend is in denial about how I feel right now. He thinks it's gonna get better soon.
I'm sorry about the long post... I just need a way out. Any tips will be much appreciated.
Tl;dr: Depression is fucking me up financially. What to do?
Edit: English is not my first language so I'm sorry for any mistakes. Edit 2: On a mobile so I'm sorry for fucked up walls of text. Can't really format better now.
Submitted March 17, 2017 at 06:14AM by throwtrustissues http://ift.tt/2nyTAsx
