Hi all,
Apologies this has gotten quite long.
I’m pretty frugal , I hate overpaying for things and this culture of having to spend money just to exist. However, as much as I cut costs EVERYWHERE - I do like to make a point of my lifestyle not affecting my friends negatively. If I do find a great deal on something that’s too many/much for me I also like to be generous with my frugal finds.
My problem lies in another frugal friend of mine - you’d think that we’re more compatible with our shared frugal values but I’m finding that she is making me feel quite used, and we aren’t able to extend our frugal principles the way we practice them together. Specifically the way we eat and drink around each other.
Here are some problems I have : - she will ask to have dinner together. I used to always host dinner so we could cook instead of eat out, but that was because I lived alone and am close to her workplace, and had the luxury of not worrying about pissing off flatmates. I now do not live alone , and everytime we plan to have a meal together and I know my shared spaces aren’t useable, I make sure she knows that we will have to meet outside my house and instead will have to eat out. This has led to : -her asking to meet for dinner, me saving up and skipping meals to get the most out of a meal out , only for her to say she’s already eaten and is surprised I haven’t (when she’s asked to meet for dinner!!!) and I end up being the only one eating at a restaurant because I’m starving by then and she nothing or a coffee etc. i always feel bad for the staff - Or her trying to suggest free food /pay what you can stores when we try to meet for dinner , which are aimed at the poverty line , which I feel uncomfortable using as we both are well enough salaried and no longer actually required to be frugal. And her cancelling plans last minute if I don’t agree to this. - Her asking me to “be there while she meets with someone who makes her uncomfortable” and she will take him to a restaurant and will order nothing while he orders a meal - and I order a drink because I feel bad for the staff who have a 3 person table but only 1 person is ordering ! Again, she tried to change this meet up into a non-restaurant item (which she had told me for once, and I had already eaten) but it become clear that her guest had been expecting to get a meal with her and she hadn’t told him she had eaten. Although I wanted to be supportive to her with a person who was a bit rude to her, I didn’t appreciate her putting me on the spot like that and being oblivious to how this affects the staff.
We also have a 5 person friend group, we are all quite generous with each other and have known each other for ~15 years. The others were always very generous to me and her while we were low income , and then I was generous to her as I got a proper job and no longer had reason to take others generosity without reciprocation , and she was the last to come out of low income life , but still doesn’t pitch into the group activities/meals/drinks but will happily partake. It’s not just me who ends up covering for her, but I seem to be the one getting annoyed about it.
To be clear we in middle class salaries now, she’s very open about her new job paying well. She also is very open about her love language being gifting and how much she spends/spent on her lovers and how money is no object when she loves someone (valid, just adding this as an indication of how she’s not in a dire situation)
Another habit of hers is that she will never bring a bottle of wine or beers etc to our group events but she will almost always say yes when offered a drink (tbh it would be weird in this group if anyone didn’t offer). If I ask her beforehand if she’s going to pick anything up before we head to event (as I do), she’ll always say she’s not planning on drinking. The entire group is quite into drinking - and the others can be quite fancy , but I always make sure I’m contributing if not bringing my own (bargain) drinks so I’m not scrounging off anyone. As they’re quite generous with me, I always let them know to help themselves to my drinks but I’m finding it difficult to exclude her from this when she never contributes. Especially since I host a bit, (and maybe because she feels my cheaper drinks are less of a deal when she drinks as much as I do?) she often will rely on my contribution more than the others. (Although there is one other friend in this group she does rely on spending a lot of money too, but doesn’t seem to care).
We are very aware we’re the more frugal ones in this group, and we have had perks to our relationship and have good discussions and share tips about deals /savings tips etc.
Does anyone have any advice or an explanation as to - why she doesn’t just tell me/others to have food at home and then we go for a walk etc instead of always asking we can meet for dinner that she’s already eaten? - Why she doesn’t seem to want to reciprocate with the close friend group/has an expectation that costs will be covered ahead of time and therefore not necessary to split. (One person in the group is an avid planner and gets anxiety if they don’t plan and book things well in advance, and I always make sure to offer and split then for their efforts and to be considerate of their labour as well acknowledge I benefit from it)
I’m just a little frustrated and lost about how inconsiderate this feels, and I am feeling used despite our shared values about finances. I feel I’m always bridging the gap between her frugality and her desire to do things that require her to spend money on/FOMO. We used to be quite close but this is causing a rift. What would you do
Please feel free to tell me if I’m being entitled also, I do have issues with feeling my indebted to anyone (was financially abused as a child) and making sure I contribute. I also might be assuming too many things about the staff, which is on me. This may be more of my own issues than I realise.
January 06, 2023 at 12:10AM
