Incredibly long and emotional with. TL;DR at bottom
Three weeks ago, my brother committed suicide after a years long struggle with low testosterone, depression, and alcoholism. He was 38 years of age and one of the bravest and strongest men I ever knew, and as a veteran of joint service commands and the son of a firefighter that died in the line of duty, and that’s saying a lot. He is survived by his wife and four year old son, as well as his brother and sister in law and, most importantly, our mother. My mother has suffered far too much in life. She grew up the daughter of an alcoholic, and had an all too short period of domestic bliss. She grew up and worked as a nurse in Newark, NJ during the early years of the crack and AIDs epidemics, while our father was a firefighter in Newark as well. And her world was shattered when our father passed in the line of duty at the age of 47. This was while I was serving in the US Navy, and I will forever regret going back to the service to complete my commitment because my brother subsequently became the head of household for an apartment building where nearly every tenant is an elderly grandfather or grandmother. And he did this at the age of 19 without any desire for recognition while holding down a union 40+ hour labor position. The biggest insult was when my family only received 50% of my father’s pension while my mother went to Trenton to lobby for defibrillators to be placed in every firehouse in the state of NJ. I told you, we’re made of stern stuff. He had since attended culinary school and cooked in some of the top kitchens in New York City before making some bad decisions and becoming an alcoholic (most likely due to the onset of an undiagnosed bipolar disorder, low to no testosterone, the pressure behind being the son of my father, a literal hero, etc.). Not one to be defined by tragedy, he turned his life around, found a good woman, had a child, and settled down until two events occurred that would fundamentally change him. The first was when his great friends lost a daughter to crib death, and the next was when my wife and I lost our daughter at 33-34 weeks. In both cases, he was the one who cleaned out the nurseries so we wouldn’t be surrounded by the reminders of the tragedy of losing a child. But, growing up the way he did in a family of Irish Catholics, he and my mother suffered these losses in silence and lived life in four words, “public smiles, private tears”. My mother was the one to find my brothers body, as he had been staying with her since his anxiety and alcoholism had forced him out of the home of his wife and child and into an endless cycle of rehabs, psychiatric wards, emergency rooms, and private beds. He was found in her bedroom, as the door afforded an opportunity to shut the world out and the room had become a sanctuary of sorts. My mother is obviously suffering some serious PTSD, social anxiety, and general emotional devastation. I obviously need to get her as far away from that apartment as soon as possible, but her lease ends in November. She knows no one in the area and does not drive, exacerbating the situation and truly confining her to either her apartment or a short list of places within walking distance where she runs her errands. I live in another state and live in fear of the day she doesn’t answer my phone call. All I want to do is get a house in the town where she, my wife and kids and I can live in a place we all would feel comfortable. Unfortunately, it’s going to take at least a year to save up a decent down payment and use the VA loan. We live in a major metro area due to her parents being retired and able to watch the kids, and it’s incredibly difficult to save money. This is going to be another facet to this story, but a puppy or dog would do her a world of good. I’m really concerned that if I get her one (which she really wants), it will severely limit the number of available apartments for her. Especially in senior living. Any advice, suggestions, thoughts, positive energy, anything is greatly appreciated, because I’m just doing my best to hold this family together and provide as best I can while grieving one of the most profound losses I’ve ever experienced.
TL;DR: My brother, one of the strongest men I know, succumbs to alcoholism, low testosterone, and depression and commits suicide. My mother finds the body and is suffering PTSD, social anxiety, and absolute emotional devastation, and has to wait until November when her lease is up. I want to buy a house and move her in with me, but have to save for another year for the down payment and VA loan. A dog or puppy would help her out a lot, but limit her choices for apartments and senior livings. Dealing with all this while grieving is exhausting.
Submitted July 29, 2018 at 09:41AM by Manwichhattan https://ift.tt/2K61G67
