28/m vegan, aspiring minimalist, and a believer of the zero-waste movement. In between psychologists I come to this forum to seek help. I have climate anxiety that inhibits me to obtain my ambitions.
I struggle with the pursuit of happiness as it demands me to use resources that indirectly hurts the environment by supporting our capitalistic consumerist culture. As a consumer it bothers me that I have no true ownership. The knife I've used I didn't design, the materials to make one I didn't harvest, the techniques to cut skillfully I didn't invent, etc. I am either the inheritor of our predecessor's legacy or I am a parasite using what tools and resources available for my immediate needs. I contribute nothing but carbon into the world. I want to transform from consumer to creator, a designer or an inventor but both fear of failure and success plagues me.
Failure not in the sense of personal defeat but at the expense of the natural world. If any product I made fails I've wasted the materials and the energy used to harvest them. Any failure to me is a cost towards the environment for my dreams. Success I fear is the inability to add value to humanity. If it instead only perpetuates the cycle for people to be stuck in their consumption, if it merely add more junks to their household or landfill, a distraction or detraction to live their lives than I am also a failure too. This is a lose-lose situation no matter what actions I take I compound climate change. I am concern that I am not worthy of the ends that I pursue in fear of contributing more environmental damages. This pursuit of personal interest undermine the vitality on the planet puts me at odds with myself. It leads an incoherence between my behaviors and my beliefs.
A Catholic and a Buddhist decide to raise a son. One taught me sin the other taught me karma. Both concepts I find nonsensical but both are now recontextualized to describe my inner turmoil. The "sins" and "karma" I accumulate are my negative contribution of indirect habitat destruction. Ironically as an atheist who believes in an apathetic universe with no higher morality my personal issues shouldn't bother me. There is technically nothing wrong being an hedonist enjoying his life by adding fire to the furnace that burns the world. The funny thing is that I am morally absolved for exploiting the environment since no one in society bothers to call me out on it. Yet it is precisely this is the only life that I have I want to lead a morally and righteous lifehood however ambivalent it is.
All these conflicting thoughts paralyze my ability to problem solve. I often return home and stare at the wall ruminating on what to do. I sometime think how envious I am of people's ignorance, willful or not, to chase their interest. I don't watch any series, refuse to use social media, have no social life as I feel undeserving of it, simply no stimulus. I do not develop new skills in fear that the more skillful I become the more efficient I am murdering the world due to the Jevons Paradox. Is the reason why I do not know how to drive any motor vehicle. In a masochistic way I deserve to treat my life as a prison sentence. Is a lenient sentence since I have a minimal job, the internet, a roof, running water, a fridge, a bed, and the fact I own no one any debt except towards the future generations. I make as little wave as possible to avoid making negative waves to the point where no one cares that I perished, becoming another invisible memory for others, a phantom.
I seek to eradicate my cognizant dissonance. I seek a coherence between my personal interest and my concern for life like us that is more distant. I seek permission from myself to fail, to follow my passion. I want to stop living my life as if it is an apology. Thank you for reading.
TL:DR: Help me with an action-plan to rationalize a new narrative where I can follow my dreams without risking future lives and the expense of the environment. Or self-delusional tricks to either avoid or accept that my actions are killing the world.
P.S.
I rarely use reddit and I get computer fatigue easily so I may not respond anytime soon.
Submitted August 25, 2017 at 06:14PM by ClimateAnxietyThrowa http://ift.tt/2geqfEV
