I have a friend(25F) who is stupendiously careless with spending. She just got out of an expensive and painfull apartment lease. She was making $50k/yr and signed up for an apartment with a rent of $1800/month.
I(27M) met my friend at work. I was her mentor and she was my mentee. She always was a girl who was struggling with work and everything in her life. She is very dedicated with her work(I admired her for this) and worked extremely hard. But she has ADD and always had a little bit of trouble focusing. I got into an unhealthy friendship of me helping her and bailing her out. Starting with the work, and then it gradually expanded into solving her life problems for her. I started helping her with her bills too. And now, a year later, she owes me over $40k. She's promised to pay me back, but her own situation it would have been cruel for me to demand money back at any point. So I didn't.
When this apartment idea came up, I told her it was a terrible idea at the time, and she agreed. And then a couple of weeks later she, did it anyway. And then she told me bluntly, she had gotten that apartment, and that her dad agreed to co-sign for it.
After losing her job 6 months in, she was forced to sublet that apartment and move back home.
Now she's been harping on and on for a few months that she needs a car, since "absolutely noone her age is more pathetic and living like this" - that is living at home and without a car. Why is that so pathetic? She found a new job and she works from home now. She has a remote job as a software engineer and makes $77k/yr.
She's been asking for my help with the car downpayment. I grudgingly agreed to it.
Now last week, she lost the $77k job. Company ran out of money and laid off a bunch of people.
On top of that, the apartment she was renting flooded due to a faulty toilet. 2000 gallons of toilet water went everywhere and damaged 8 apartments across 4 floors. Landlord says it's the subtenant's fault since she didn't report the issue well after she saw the toilet overflowing. Landlord did the repairs and now has an invoice for $60k. My friend has to pay for it.
My friend - who didn't get insurance - now tells me - "How is this fair? They want to ruin my life. They can't ruin my life like this. It's not fair."
She's terrified she'll have to file for bankruptcy. I pushed her to get a lawyer. She was too distressed and depressed to be able to do anything. So I found a few lawyers and went with her to go speak for her about the situation.
Lawyers told us that this is clearly something we will lose. Now the only thing we can do is to settle or somehow contest the actual cost of repairs and negotiate along those lines.
She is now even more distressed to the point of full-blown depression over bankruptcy. Her life would be ruined apparently, and she can forget about getting an apartment or car. Her dreams will be ruined. She wont be able to buy a house or even have credit cards. Her life will be over.
I told her we're going to give this all we got and fight it. But if it comes to it, I will step in and foot the $60k bill. $60k is a lot of money. I am 27. My savings are just over $75k. Hard earned over the last 5 years or so of my career. But if it saves someone from life ruin, I will help. She said she will pay me back and that she was super grateful for it.
Today, she brings up the car bullshit again. She wants a car because nobody her age suffers like this apparently. But she only wants a Mercedes or a BMW. Either model she's looking at costs $55k + Taxes etc. She worked out the lease calculator and said it will only be $700/month.
I told her she has no job. She has to answer for this flood damage lawsuit. Her response is that she's going to get a job soon. She will get unemployment benefits soon too. The lawsuit will go away since it's just not fair, and she's not responsible for the flood damage. So these will mean she will totally be able to afford the $900/month car payment. So I have to help her find the best car. (I am really into cars and know a lot about them). And I have to help with the downpayment, since she doesn't have a lumpsum in her bank account, but she will pay me back for it
In my mind, I am thinking, she will let me foot her $60k bill and then on the other side, get into yet another $75k payment obligation for the car and insurance? On no job? Ridiculous.
On top of this, her parents, she's living with them and are just a few years away from retirement. They are $175k in debt with credit lines. She says she absolutely wants to help them, but she's unable to do that currently.
I got absolutely furious today. I tell her instead of continously buying things she can't afford, she should stop and start saving. Smart investments will make the savings multiply over time and she will be able to help her parents that way in a few years they'll be debt free. Then I said she can't get a car now because she can't afford it. And then I gently let it slip that maybe with some of the investment money, she can start paying me back.
She gets incredibly mad. She keeps saying, this is why she shoudln't have borrowed money from me. Because now, I am making decisions for her. Why do I get to stop her from her dreams? That's not right and not fair. So I am apparently a control freak asshole for blocking her from her dreams.
Honest to gut, the way I feel right now. She will probably never be in a position to pay me back. The lawsuit money, will certainly put a hold on my own dreams. I intended to start up my own tech start-up and I had a plan to rely on that as the seed capital. But no plans were definite yet and I have a really good job at the moment. So not a big deal for me to let it go now. I don't need my money back at the moment. I would much rather have her get to zero instead of being so far negative and then I can rightfully ask for payback. But she's headed down this path of even more debt. So I don't think I will see that money for a long time.
We got into an intense argument today. Yelling, screaming, crying. Every time I talked about the lawsuit, I was apparently rubbing it more. Not really. I was showing that as one of the reasons why she cannot get a car now.
At this point, I am tired of this friendship. I think I can deal with the loss of the $40k sunk if I were to walk away right now. But that's a lot of money, and I would prefer it back of course.
What should I be doing now? Demand $4k a month for the next year? What are my legal options? I dont want to be a dick. But I think I've been way too nice that she's taking advantage of me probably without even realizing? I just want to get back to a more healthy relationship between us.
Submitted July 21, 2017 at 03:26AM by ExtremeAddict http://ift.tt/2tldKJ7
