TL;DR: We moved to a rich neighborhood to give my kids a better life but I'm not sure it's teaching them the right lessons.
Five years ago my husband, four kids, and myself moved to a very expensive area of the country for a job. We were able to buy a house in a fancy neighborhood that would normally have been way out of our reach as it was being foreclosed on and the HOA wanted it sold ASAP. The house is the smallest in the neighborhood but we thought it would be a good investment and financially it really has been! Plus the schools are great and our kids have lots of friends. It's a great place to live! But we are not rich people at all and I had underestimated how much of a mental toll living here would take on me. It's not that I envy what our neighbors have, it's the constant having to tell my kids "no, we can't afford that".
It's big things- why I drive a 20-year-old toyota minivan instead of a Lexus SUV, why our vacations are camping instead of the Bahamas, why we had to eat beans and rice for a month thanks to an unexpected medical crisis. It's small things - why they have to pack a lunch from home instead of buying from the food trucks, why we buy all our clothes at thrift stores, why we don't have a gaming system, why they all have to share a bedroom, why we clean our own house instead of having a maid service, why we don't have decorations and minimal furniture, why we only eat out twice a month, etc.
We moved from a humble town in the Midwest and I never once felt bad about our situation as everyone was pretty much the same as we were. But here it is a non-stop barrage of in-your-face wealth. Our neighbors are, for the most part, super nice and friendly. But they totally don't understand what living on a budget is like. For instance, one neighbor invited my kids to go skiing with them at their ski chalet. Unfortunately, paying to rent skis, buy lift tickets, and food for the kids would have cost nearly $1000! So I had to say no. I even have to say no to school stuff. The PTA back-to-school night is 25$ a person just to get in ($150 for our family!!) plus everything else inside costs extra. So we have to skip most school events as well.
Our kids aren't usually whiny or upset when I tell them no over and over again. They're actually really good savers, very frugal, and the two oldest (14, 16 yrs) have part-time jobs. But they are convinced we are super poor (we're not! We're solidly middle-class, average paychecks) and that we live in a really bad situation. They never want to invite their friends over and they're afraid to ask me for anything. I take them to volunteer at the local women's shelter once a month so they can help others (and see that not everyone has a house, much less a yacht). But as soon as we're back home, they're convinced we're the poorest people ever.
I alternate between being heartbroken that they have to miss out on so much with their friends (like, summer here is a wasteland... everyone is gone traveling or at expensive camps) and angry that they even feel like we're poor when we have so much compared to so many others. I've cried about this more than I'd like to admit and it's become a daily struggle for me. It's gotten to the point where we are considering moving but I really don't want to pull the kids out of schools they love and take them away from good friends. Plus my husband is really happy in his job here. (I'd see a therapist but I can't afford the time off work nor the cost to see one...)
I should add that financially, we are fine. We live within our means, our car is paid for, our mortgage is affordable, we are funding retirement accounts, our kids get presents at Christmas, etc. We just don't have any money for extras.
I know this is totally a first-world problem and I feel silly that this is so upsetting to me. I know we are so blessed to even be in this situation and I'm grateful for everything we do have. But it is what it is. How do you deal with living in a place where there is a huge economic disparity between you and your neighbors? Is there a better way to talk to my kids about our finances besides just saying "No, we can't afford that" over and over again? Is there a way to ask my neighbors to stop inviting us to $200/head dinners? Am I being ridiculous? Should we just move?? (Sorry for the wall of text and if this post is inappropriate for this sub!)
Submitted June 29, 2018 at 03:19PM by chariander https://ift.tt/2KzjGa7
