People have always told me they thought I was going to be rich some day. I was smart, and seemed to always be driven to do something big. I was convinced too at one point. But at age 28...I think its finally sunk in, I've officially hit rock bottom.
Despite working since the age of 13, I never really grew any respect for money. I didn't place enough value on saving it or living frugally. I don't buy a lot of "stuff"...I don't spend on clothes or cars or electronics. I tend to spend on experiences. If I wanted to do something, go somewhere, eat somewhere...I did it, and figured out how to pay for it later. I was too impatient with too much FOMO to sacrifice today for some benefit tomorrow.
For a long time, that mentality worked. Part of me maybe even got off on the rush of taking my bank account to the brink. I'd take side jobs if need be...or lean on my credit cards to get by. I was smart enough that I'd always miraculously manage to skirt by no matter how much I lived beyond my means. I didn't care about paying bills on time, and thought my credit score was invincible. I rarely budgeted. And I never successfully saved, despite trying many times.
Until I graduated college, debt was always some imaginary number I'd deal with at some point. After college, its felt like I built myself a prison. I'm terrified of debt now...but its always been my fall back.
On top of my poor money habits (and probably one of the causes), I've suffered from chronic depression, anxiety, OCD, and ADD since I was a teenager. I'm 28 now and have never been to therapy. I took me until a few years ago to realize how much I needed it if I was going to thrive in life. At that point I couldn't afford it over other things I wanted to pay for. And I was so messed up by it that its taken a huge toll on my ability to stay motivated & organized enough to succeed with work. This leads to the catch 22 of not being able to earn enough extra to get the therapy I need.
Unable to function well in a traditional corporate office setting, I started my own consulting company a couple years ago.
I sold my car to save some cash.
Business was good. I thought I had grown enough that if I maintained my current cost of living & took on another client, I'd be able to pay off the remaining credit card debt I had (was about $6k at the beginning of the year), and the $33k in consolidated student loans remaining. I figured I'd be able to break $100k income this year. It was a goal of mine to be debt free so I could begin saving to buy a house & do some traveling.
Things didn't go as planned. A particularly bad period of depression hit. I got complacent. I lost one client. Then a prospective client fell through. Suddenly I was down $6000/month in expected monthly income.
I tapped into the cash I put away to pay my self employment taxes.
I kept chugging along. Then another client didn't renew their contract. I had just 1 full time client and a part time client left.
I thought I'd be okay. That full time client owed me ~$8,000 from past invoices. I tried to collect the money they owed me. Their old CFO left, and the new one doesn't want to pay. I've lost their business, and have had to retain a lawyer to take them to court...it could be months before I get paid anything by them.
Within the last several months I nearly maxed out all 3 of my credit cards to pay my bills.
My credit was still good, I thought...so I applied for a consolidation loan to get me through until I can climb out of this. I was denied. I tried to increase my available credit on the cards. Denied.
My insurance was supposed to take care of some outstanding medical bills I had on appeal. They never came through. The debt eventually went to collections....my credit score had tanked....I can't afford to pay the outstanding debt.
I have ~$3300 in income coming in this month, and ~$4000 in expenses to keep my head above water.
I currently am late on my $750 rent, waiting for a check to clear.
I have $0 set aside for the remaining ~$8,000 in business/income taxes I"m going to owe at the end of the year.
I've cut down to eating 1 meal per day.
My health insurance has been suspended for non payment of premiums. I don't have money to renew this year.
I had planned to travel a lot this year. Thats out the window.
I owe my girlfriend ~$500 and counting already.
My mind is so messed up right now with the stress/ADD/depression and lack of executive functioning that I spend most of the day procrastinating. Then I'll work for 3-5 hours into the night, usually finishing around 3/4am. I'm exhausted and workload is racking up.
My girlfriend had big plans for the next 2 months month. She wants to travel for her birthday. I've told her I don't think I can afford to do much of anything... She already bought the tickets. I don't think I can even afford to even get her a gift.
I don't know how I'm going to contribute to holiday presents for the rest of the family this year. I'm too ashamed to tell them how broke I am.
I see my friends several years younger than me buying houses, new cars, traveling the world...fully funded 401Ks, money in the bank.
I had planned to be out of debt by this time this year. I planned to make over $100k this year. Instead...my plans went to shit. I made closer to $45k, I have $50,000 in interest-accruing debt debt, $8,000 in tax debt, no car, and no savings.
All of those stupid little experiences in my early 20s, were at the expense of my happiness & freedom now.
My girlfriend knows I'm tight right now...but nobody knows how bad its gotten for me. I'm overwhelmed with all of this, and don't know where to start to climb out. Everybody still seems to think so highly of my business skills. They don't have a clue what I've gotten myself into. I feel like a totally inept failure.
I hope this is my final wakeup call to get my act together. But i've been in similar spots before (albeit not this bad). I'm stuck in a cycle. Sometimes I snap back to reality, and bust my ass to spend less/earn more for a month or two. I'd tell myself, "This time you're going to break the cycle". Then as soon as I climbed out of the hole a bit, I'd grow complacent again. I'd get lured by that trip I want to take... or that festival I really want to go to...or that restaurant I've always wanted to eat at.
If I can get back enough to get the therapy I need, I might have a fighting chance. Thats my only goal right now. Just hope I can make it till then without making things far worse. And I really hope I'm not too far gone to be fixed.
Submitted December 05, 2017 at 05:57PM by justaconfessiontw http://ift.tt/2BKOYH5
